Dear Body

We’ve known each other for 21 years now. That’s a long time to have one thing isn’t it? I mean, we change careers, houses, cars and yet bodies are the one thing we can never exchange or swap or upgrade. We can improve it. Hone it. 21 Years is a long time.

Thank you for being faithful though. You’ve gotten me where I’ve wanted to go so far. All your appendages work. Feet, legs, arms, fingers, toes…etc.

I just want to say sorry that I haven’t taken as good care of you as you have me.

I’m sorry I fill you with dangerous, disgusting smoke every single day, over and over and even knowing that it’s slowly killing you I still haven’t grasped the horror of that yet, to stop.

I’m sorry I let big scary men colour you with needles and ink and I have to admit that I’m not done with that yet. I really do apologise for that. I’m also extremely sorry that I hurt you intentionally that time when I didn’t know how to deal.

I’m sorry I pluck and tweeze and wax you, but you have to admit that even if it’s painful, it really is for the best. Unfortunately body, you’re more hairy than some.

I’m sorry that I don’t give you enough exercise; I know you need it and I’m depriving you of your right to be toner and fitter and healthier and I’m sorry that I sometimes eat too much, or too little. And more often than not, not healthy at all. (Junk food, Candy, Soda, Coffee…too much, too much, too much)

I’m sorry that I look at the stomach and cringe. I hide you under clothes you see, that’s why you’re so white - you never see sunlight. I’m sorry to say I’m ashamed. I’m sorry that I look the hands and hope no one sees what I see. I’m sorry I look at the chest and wish they were perkier/smaller/cuter. I’m sorry I look at the legs and wish they were shorter, apparently that’s attractive but I’m sorry that I don’t see it.

I’m really sorry that even though we’ve had 21 years of getting to know each other, I still look at other bodies and wish I had (that) one instead of you.

But I’m working on that, body. I’m working on liking you just as you are because you’re the only one I have.

Who’s Afraid Of The Dark?

I’m updating on a Saturday. (night) Shock Horror. Why is that? Well for most of you that don’t know, J went fishing with my dad this weekend. And being alone freaks me out a little. I’m fine in the daylight. But being alone at night turns me into a scardy cat. Friend from this post was supposed to stay over the weekend but she got back together with said boyfriend from the same post and she bailed. Story of my life.

Anyway. So with two puppies that aren’t really guard dog material, and a front door with only one lock, seems like if the shit does hit the fan I have only my wonderful kung fu skills measly can of pepperspray to defend myself with. If I do not update again after this post then I am most likely dead. Either from a gruesome murder (which is my greatest fear) or my weak heart and my ability to conjour strange sounds and all things that go bump or bang in the night in my mind. Even monsters under my bed are at this moment possible. Shit. I think I just heard something.

Never mind. It’s just the pups destroying something. I hope. Or not. (Insert scary movie music here)

I also just have to add that it was either update my blog or drink something to help me sleep. At eight o’clock. On a Saturday night. I am officially the most boring person alive for my age.

On another note I don’t think I can stomach another movie after the marathon I have had today. In order I have watched: Licence To Wed, RENT, Hairspray and The Lake House. Like I need anything else to make me miss J more. I really enjoyed them all, especially RENT. Awe. Some. I swear when J comes home tomorrow we’re going to make out for no less than two hours. Movies kisses always makes me want to make out.

Umm. What else? Oh yeah. Had a little bit of a family crisis which has been sorted out for the most part, everyone is still in one piece.

The puppies are still super cute even though I caught Rusty pooping behind the couch today.

My sister is pissed at me for reasons only she will know.

The guy at the video store came on to me, which was way scary considering I looked like total and utter crap.

I saw a good friend yesterday which was fun as I hadn’t seen her in months. It’s great to know we still have the same twisted sense of humour.

Oh and I haven’t had anything decent to eat since yesterday morning. You all should know that I do not cook. So without J here to make sure I’ve eaten (he actually makes food because he’s hungry so that’s when I get to eat) I’m feeling a little nauseous. After all I did have chocolate pudding for breakfast and a bag of chips (crisps for all my overseas friends) for lunch, and a hand full of gummy sweets for dinner so that really isn’t surprising.

I would love a McDonalds burger right now but I am not going out in the dark. Alone. I’m not that desperate.

Yet Another…Tag!

First of all. Dude. I have 25 subscribers (fyi,if you add yourself to your google reader you can see how many people subscribe to your blog) and I almost never get 25 comments. So this is the day that you will delurk and leave me a comment. Look into my i’s - I compel you! I am not ashamed to admit that I am a total comment whore. Comments make me happy. Comments make me smile. Comments make me want to break into song. So leave me some, people who never comment. Imagine I only get like three on this post. How embarrassing.

I had a good post planned for today. Caught Rusty chewing on my bra last night and I (of course) took a picture. Then the more I thought about it I started thinking that it’s not something I should put on the internets. I mean. I’d totally do it. You just may not want to see my very modest C cups displayed in all their frayed wonder.

So instead I decided to do a…meme. As Douchegirl wrote…how the heck do you pronounce that? So anyway. My fav Douchegirl tagged me and I will oblige. Because I secretly love doing these.

The Eight Things Meme

Eight things I’m passionate about;

1. Blogging.
2. Reading.
3. J. Even if he’s a butthole sometimes.
4. My puppies.
5. Music. LOUD music.
6. Alone time.
7. Food.
8. Family. Sometimes. Othertimes they just annoy me.

Eight Things I want to do before I die;

1. Travel.
2. Buy a house.
3. Get married and have children. Some days more than others.
4. Be satisfied with how I make my living.
5. Volunteer at and animal shelter or old age home.
6. Open an animal shelter.
7. Give a waiter/waitress/ a R 1000 tip.
8. Learn to scuba dive.

Eight things I say often;

1. Dude!
2. Bullshit!
3. That’s sexy. (This can be said in any situation. ie: On a disgusting story someone told me. Crinkle your nose and say in a sligtly disgusted tone: ‘That’s sexy’.)
4. Heavy.
5. Liewe Bliksem. (Afrikaans Swear)
6. I forgot.
7. Help me!
8. Are you serious?

Eight books I’ve read recently;

1. Spud by John van de Ruit. (MUST READ!)
2. Spud - The Madness Continues by John van de Ruit. (MUST READ!)
3. Something Borrowed by Tina Reilly.
4. Sleeping With The Fishes by MaryJanice Davidson. (Loved the Undead series too)
5. The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.
6. My Sister’s Keeper - Jodi Picoult.
7. The Bishop Series (more than one book) by Kay Hooper.
8. I forgot.

Eight movies I have seen eight times;

1. The Fifth Element. (I know it by heart.)
2. Life as a House. (Totally a Hayden Christensen fan! *drools*)
3. Empire Records. (Love!)
4. Hackers. (Love!)
5. Rockstar.
6. Fight Club.
7. Seven.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean. (All of them)

A glipse into my dvd collection: (Unorganized much?)

Potty Training

So. Apparently puppies pee and crap a lot. Who’d have thought it? J was in the bathroom the other day, doing his…ahem…business. I had to go into the bathroom to get loo paper to…you guessed it…pick up a fresh pile of sh…puppy doo-doo. I snapped. I couldn’t help myself.

“All everyone does in this house is shit and eat and sleep. The smell of shit is permanently embedded in my nostrils. Will everyone just STOP crapping for one damn second! *gag*”

J just kinda looked at me like he didn’t really know what the response to something like that should be. And of course he wouldn’t. It’s a natural thing isn’t it? But from the smell I wouldn’t say with absolute certainty that he didn’t somehow swallow his grandmother. Disgusted much? Moving on.

So anyway. Back to the puppies. Rusty has acquired a very bad habit. I’ve caught him peeing on our bed numerous times. I probably change my bedding every other day, because he doesn’t do it everyday. Just enough so I know it’s a problem. See they have little steps so that they can get on and off the bed because they sleep with us at night. (I KNOW crate training is the way to go but crate training isn’t a common thing here - not that I know of anyway.) We tried to make them sleep in their own bed, in their own room. I didn’t get sleep for two weeks. So after a while we just gave in and now they’re in such a routine I don’t even want to think about trying the whole ’sleep in their own bed’ thing.

We have established a routine. We take them outside every hour on the hour, and Lila (cute, smart little girl she is) is doing her business on command now for the most part. (She still has little accidents like I mentioned a few posts ago - my little stealth crappers) She knows that “Buite Pee Pee” (Outside pee pee)means that she has to do her business. Rusty on the other hand completely ignores me. I take him outside and I leave him for a few minutes. Then when I allow him back in he goes straight to the bedroom and pees on the carpet. Or poops. Whichever is most pressing. I’ve come to take this as a personal insult. It’s like the little bugger says; “Screw you lady. It’s cold outside. I’ll pee where it’s warm! Hey, is this your newly washed blanket? ” To prevent him from peeing on the bed I’ve started taking the water away an hour before we go to sleep. That’s been helping a lot. We’ve made a lot of progress because the last few nights they sit on my chest and whine until I get up and take them out.

I’ve talked to the vet and she (our male vet wasn’t there) said that male puppies are much harder to house train than females. It also doesn’t help that Daschunds are notorious for their stubborn behaviour and manipulative tendencies. (I mean come on - those puppy dog eyes is a lethal weapon!)

Here’s an experpt from wikipedia:

Dachshunds are playful, fun dogs, known for their propensity to chase small animals, birds and tennis balls with great determination and ferocity. Many dachshunds are strong-headed or stubborn, making them a challenge to train. Dachshunds have been known to have a liking to dig holes in the garden, or chase small animals such as birds, squirrels, or lizards. They have a particularly loud bark, making dachshunds good watchdogs. Dachshunds are known for their devotion and loyalty to their owners, though they can be standoffish towards strangers. If left alone many dachshunds will whine until they have companionship. Some dachshunds are prone to separation anxiety and may chew objects in the house to relieve stress.

So if anyone has advise I’d appreciate it. I think I’m doing a good job so far but any extra tips in regards to house training will be a blessing.

They’ve gotten so big. My babies are growing up! *sob* In the beginning you could barely tell that they were Doxies. They had tiny bodies and short snouts. But looking at them now you can’t deny that they’re “sausage” dogs.

Real Friends

Real friends bake you a cake on your birthday, with green icing and smarties. Then delivers it at 5 am in their pj’s the next morning. Then helps you eat it.

A real friend helps you paint a big bull’s eye on your bedroom wall and then tells your dad that it’s art when he freaks.

A real friend tells your mom that she bought the wine after you’re caught. When in fact it was you.

A real friend laughs at your stupid jokes, when no one else will. Because lets face it - you have the same sense of humour and that shit is funny.

You can call up a real friend at 2 am, crying. And you know she’s going to ask: “Do you want to come over”?

A real friend stays up with you after a great night of partying and then makes you pasta because for some strange reason you crave it.

A real friend is up front with you when she has a problem with how you handled something. She doesn’t talk about it behind your back.

A real friend knows she can come to you when she needs support, anytime. Anywhere.

So that’s why J is going fishing this weekend and that’s why N is coming over to stay with me for the weekend.

Because real friends get rid of their boyfriends for the weekend when a friend needs a shoulder to lean on after a relationship has crumbled.

Friends are the family you actually get to choose.

Post Worthy

I haven’t even let the previous post simmer for a while. But I think this is post worthy so…

We got a card in the mail from out vet today. It read:

“We could like to offer our condolences on the passing of Sammy. Sammy was cremated on the 24th of June 2008.”

And on the back it read:

God Bless Our Pets

 

They say memories are golden.

Well, maybe that is true.

I never wanted memories.

I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you.

A million times I cried.

If love alone could have saved you.

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly.

In death I love you still.

In my heart you hold a place.

No one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway.

And heartache made a lane.

I’d walk the path to heaven.
And bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken.

And nothing seems the same.

But as God calls us one by one.

The chain will link again.

 

Seven Deadly Sins Meme

I’ve been tagged by Douchegirl (Thank God because I’m in a disgustingly bad mood) and I think she’s pretty damn awesome so I’ll do this tag even if it’s a long one.

WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with? - Who didn’t I get angry with. PMS people. PMS.
2. What is your weapon of choice? - Whatever is handy. Anything from a loaf of bread to biltong.
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? - I once shoved a guy over his school desk. Does that count?
4. How about the same sex? - For some reason I’m a little more afraid of girls. We fight dirty.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry with you? - J. I think.
6. What’s your pet peeve? - First of all - why do they call it that? And second - too many to list.
7. Do you keep grudges? - Hell yes.

SLOTH
1. What’s the one thing you’re supposed to do daily that you don’t? - Drink enough water and eat breakfast.
2. What’s the latest you’ve woken up. - 1 pm.
3. What’s the last lame excuse you made? - “I’m sick”.
4. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through. - Who hasn’t?
5. When was the last time you got in a good work out? - Errr. “I’m sick?”
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button today? - Surprisingly, none.

GLUTTONY
1. What’s your overpriced yuppy beverage of choice? - None really.
2. Meat eaters: White meat or dark meat? - Not a big meat eater.
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you’ve had at once? - Well, if it wasn’t too much I’d remember wouldn’t I? I guess I know I’ve had enough when beer and tequila starts tasting good. *gag*
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? - No, if I did I wouldn’t have money for food. I perfer food. Oh and I’ve never been on a diet anyway. “Don’t try if you’re going to fail anyway”
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? - Show me one woman that’s 100% happy with the way she looks. I’d die of disbelief. Seriously.
6. Which do you prefer? Sweet, Salty, Spicy? Umm. All.
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child an thought: “lunch”? - Well, I eat small children all the time really. A little Spur sauce and…seriously. Who came up with these questions? 

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? - I can’t really say. No less than 5 (and not all of the male gender either) so yeah. I can’t really say.
2. How many people have seen you naked (not counting Dr’s and family)? - Also can’t really say.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation? - Usually I make eye contact during a normal conversation. But otherwise, yeah. Even chests. It goes something like this ” OMG Did you see the bubs on THAT woman, they’s freakin’ huge!” and then J goes: “Yeah”.
4. Ever kissed two people in one night? - Nope.
5. Favourite body part on a person/gender of your choice? - Lips, Legs, Eyes.
6. Ever been propositioned by a prostitute? - Yes, I get that all the time you know. Bothersome really….NO! Just. No.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? - None.
2. What’s your guilty pleasure store? - Look and Listen.
3. Would you rather be rich or famous? - Rich I guess. I wouldn’t make a great famous person.
4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make mega bucks? - Not really. I have a boring job now and I’m only average.
5. Have you ever stolen anything? - Yeah, a Mr Magoo video from the video store. I was 5 or 6 I think?
6. How many MP3’s are on your hard drive? - Little more than 500 albums.

PRIDE
1. What’s the one thing you’ve done that you’re most proud of? - Frankly? The fact that I’m still alive is pretty damn awesome.
2. The one thing you’ve done that your parents are proud of? - They never really say when they’re proud so I don’t know. That I’m alive?
3. What things would you like to accomplish in life? - I just want to be happy. And I hate that question.
4. Do you get annoyed coming in second place? - Not really no. It’s not like the fate of the free world depends on weather I win or not. People like that annoy me.
5. Would you enter a contest of skilled, knowing you were much higher skilled than all the other competitors? - No. I wouldn’t think that I’m better, because this is where self doubt and lack of confidence makes it’s appearance. Say hi everyone.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? - In school no. In Playstation yes.
7. What did you do today that you’re most proud of? - Woke up on time. For once.

ENVY
1. What item (or person) would you most want for your own? - My friend’s car.
2. Who would you want to go on ‘Trading Spaces’ with? - Also don’t know what that is?
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? - I’d be me, with some changes applied of course.
4. You ever been cheated on? - Yeah, once.
5. Ever wish you had a different physical appearance? - Hell yeah.
6. What trait do you see in others that you wished you had? - Patience.

I Speek Da Eenglish Very Delishiously!

So thanks you for all the awesome comments yesterday, I totally appreciate it. Expect many raunchy and questionable stories in future posts. Nah. Just kidding. (Are you dissapointed now?) I know that some things are sacred you know. Jeez. That and my life isn’t all that exciting really.

Watched Charlie Bartlett and Sweeny Todd last night. Both movies were great and I enjoyed them! J didn’t so much as he kept yelling; “I’m so totally put off this movie. Stop singing!” and “Oh my God there he goes again” and “I hope this isn’t a musical”. I know. He has no culture. J won’t even watch something that has subtitles. I on the other hand am an obsessive subtitle reader. Like 7de Laan. (For those of you that didn’t know - English is not my first language. I’m Afrikaans speaking. Now you can tell me how great my English is in the comment section. No: “Oh that explains it” remarks please. ) Now that you know that, 7de Laan is an Afrikaans soapie and it has English subtitles for all the English people here that don’t speak and or read Afrikaans well. I can’t help myself, I have to read the subtitles. I don’t have to, but I can’t stop.

Just a side note here. Did you know Afrikaans speaking people in South Africa here are sometimes mocked by some English people? Some of them find us…stupid. I know right? Like whatever. Stereotypes and all that shit. We’ve been called “Dutchman” which is a loose insult. You think I don’t hear you? I do. To that I say; fuck that don’t judge. That also goes both ways. (Just saying that to cover my ass) Moving swiftly along…

Back to the movies, did you know that Kat Dennings has a blog. I know right! That’s so cool! Do you know any celebrity blogs? Imagine a celeb reading your blog. And commenting. How awesome would that be? Yes I’m starstruck. I know they’re just people and blah…but come on. It would be pretty spectacular.

I’ll leave you with a quote that made me giggle and a “have a fanfreakingtasting weekend!”.

When Is It Categorized As ‘Don’t Go There’ Territory?

Aren’t you guys glad I have puppies? ‘Cause you get to read about how damn cute they are. Good deal if you ask me. I mean, come on. How cute is this face?! “You want loooove him, you want to cuuuudle him”

Rusty

Look at my little emo pup, see his guy liner? He’s so vain. It’s actually quite wonderful to see how their little personalities are taking shape. Rusty is a butter-won’t-melt-in-my-mouth-I-promise-I-didn’t-pee-on-the-bed kinda guy. He’s loving and he loves cuddles. Lila on the other hand is a little bitch. I love her to bits but in all honesty, she really does have a big attitude. She growls at us when we pick her up for a cuddle while she’s sleeping or playing. I think it gives her character and we adore it when she does it.

I actually have a funny story about that. We went to the vet about two weeks ago for their second shots. When the Vet Lady stuck Rusty he gave a yelp and a squeal and as soon as she was done he wanted a cuddle. When the Vet Lady stuck Lila she turned around and tried to nip her, growling until she was done. She didn’t seem bothered afterwards though. That’s my girl. (Unfortunately she hates posing for pictures so I don’t have a cute one on hand. You know, puparazzi and all that. It gets so old after a while)

**********************

On a totally different note. I’ve been wondering about it for a while and I’d like to hear other people’s thoughts. How far is going too far? I mean about what people blog about. I, personally, am not easily offended. We blog, so I mean, we can’t want to be ‘private’ can we? That’s totally contradictory. I sometimes find myself holding back a funny story because I’m afraid it might ‘offend’ someone. Or maybe if I were to say that I actually like getting my ‘monthly’ because (Whoo-Hoo) it means that I am not preggers. Is that going too far?

And I know that it’s my blog and all that. But I’m being polite, because your opinion does matter. Except if it’s like, totally ridiculous and mean.

I just don’t think that my blogroll is made up of prudes. So, now you now I’m not one…leave your thoughts on this! I’d really like to know?

Six Word Memoir

I was tagged by Javaqueen a while ago to do the six word memoir that’s been going around. I’ve never attempted it because, it’s like, hard you know? My life, my being, everything I am and want in six words? Only six? You’re joking right? I am a blogger after all. No but seriously. It’s scary! But. Never let it be said that I shied away from a tag (especially from JQ) so while I was in the bath last night (I do some of my best thinking there) I was thinking and pondering and washing my toes and behind my ears.

That about sums it up. I’m not always sure where I am and where I’m going. Heck, sometimes I even wake up and it takes me a few seconds to remember my name. But in the end I have made it past some of the hardest parts in my life so far (there is still some years to go so I’m sure that there will be many more hills and mountains to climb) but I got where I am in one piece. It’s not always easy, because you know, life has a way of screwing with you when you least expect it. But there are times that life is busy screwing with someone else and it sorts of forget about you for a while. These are the moments I live for!