What happened.

First of all, thanks for the comments and all the hugs. It really is appreciated.

I’m updating at work, I can’t really concentrate on doing anything constructive so what better way to pass some minutes?

We did leave yesterday moring to go to the Zoo, we even found it without getting lost between all the big buildings. But all the streets were blocked off by Metro Police and not letting anyone go in without an access card. I don’t know why, maybe some government official decided he wanted to see some animals.
Right off the bat J got impatient and pissed off. Because we didn’t really know the way home or to the nearest highway to get home.
I suggested that we go to Pretoria Zoo, because after all it was still early and we still have the whole day.
He freaked out, started yelling that he doesn’t even know how to get to a highway, never mind another Zoo and I should stop nagging him.
Now, I have a pretty short temper, especially if someone speaks to me like I’m a naughty child.
And also, what was the fuss all about?
Stop at the nearest garage and just ask them to point out the way. Easy. Right?
So that’s what I said.
Why does he have to make this difficult?
He just went on, about this and that. About how the other Zoo is so crap.
And dragging out the last few fights we’ve had. (You know the ones that just get ignored or swept under the rug and never get resolved.)
Usually it feels like I’m walking into a brick wall when we have a fight so I just sat there while he went on and on. Eventually he’d start asking me: ‘Do you UNDERSTAND?!’

And the thing is, this all started from the simplest thing but became one of those full blown fights.

I eventually burst into tears and told him to just leave me alone. (We were still driving, on the way home)
But he didn’t let up, so I just sat there crying.
And he still wanted to take me to the other Zoo. After upsetting me so bad, how the hell do I just go to the Zoo like nothing happened? And then he gets mad because he doesn’t understand why I can’t just wipe my face, smile, and be okay again.
Is it just me? If someone is that mean, and hurts someone so bad. Does the other person just have to suck it up and get over it?

And me being silet just angered him more. He’d apologise and when I didn’t say anything, he’d be mean again.

I eventually told him to drop he off at home, to take his car out of my driveway and life.

And I’m not the kind of girl that uses the ‘break-up card’.
You know the girl that breaks up with her boyfriend just to have him beg her to stay. I know how badly that can backfire.
I never used those words lightly.

It’s Monday and he still hasn’t called.
He never took this long to call, and yes, I could call HIM. But I’m stubborn.
It doesn’t ‘feel’ finished but maybe it is?
I don’t know.
I don’t know how it got this way but it’s been coming a long time.

It’s all very blurry and I can’t remember all the details. I slept and cried the whole day yesterday.

The thing is, I haven’t cried this hard in a long time.

And I don’t even know if he’s sad or disappointed because all I got yesterday was anger.

~ by sleepyjane on September 3, 2007.